Thanksgiving Turkey Cartoon

It’s Thanksgiving week in the United States, folks, and the family cook is shopping for that perfect bird to bring home to cook for the table full of noisy relatives.  If you live on a farm, you won’t need to go to the store to find your dinner.  Just walk out in the yard and select the largest, juiciest bird you can see.  Of course, if you can’t see at all, it will be harder to do.

Here is one of my long-time favorite cartoons.  Do you know why the farmer is wearing dark glasses and carrying a white cane?  In the United States, people who are legally blind carry a white cane (with red tip) to help them feel their way along the walkway.  The white cane is also a sign to sighted people that they should be aware of a blind person nearby.

This cartoon is funny because the farmer is blind, and the turkeys are making noises like a cow, so they won’t be taken and killed for the Thanksgiving Day meal.  Clever birds!

Have a delicious and relaxing weekend, everyone

What do you get when you cross an X with a Y?

On camera:

For all of you science students in the audience, you know that the work of genetics is to mix different kinds of characteristics to see what happens.  For example, a cross between a horse and a donkey results in a mule.  If you breed a poodle with a Labrador, you get a Labradoodle.

This principle of mixing—or crossing—two breeds is at the heart of a popular kind of American riddle.  Certain kinds of jokes have a format that Americans will recognize, so in this case, if you begin by saying, “What do you get if you cross…?” they will understand this is a riddle, and they can either guess the answer, or if they have no idea, they will say, “I don’t know” or “I give up.”

Here’s an example.

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a rhino?

Give up?

Eleph-ino!

Now, if you didn’t understand the joke, there will be an explanation on our website under the section What’s So Funny?  There, you will also find some of my favorite jokes that begin “What do you get if you cross…?”  That’s all for now.  I hope soon you can start laughing along with your American friends.

What’s So Funny?

The answer, “eleph-ino” sounds like the first half of “elephant” and the last part of “rhino.” However, it also sounds like the expression “(the) hell if I know.”  This means, “I have no idea” or “I don’t know at all.”  The curse word “hell” is usually not accompanied by “the.”  If it is, it usually works to add a sense of negation (“not at all”) as above or a sense of strong criticism or challenge (“What in the hell are you doing?”).

Since the word “hell” is considered slightly rude or strong, it is not safe to use in all conversations.  What makes this joke funny is not pronouncing the “h” in (h)ell_if_I_know and technically avoiding the use of the actual word.

This type of joke is sometimes called mix-and-match or criss-cross jokes.  Here are some clever ones.

Q: What do you get if you cross a cow with a trampoline?

A: A milkshake.

*****

Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with Father Christmas?

A: Santa Claws.

*****

Q: What do you get if you cross a turkey with an octopus?

A: Enough drumsticks at Thanksgiving for everyone.

*****

Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?

A: Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.

*****

Q: What do you get if you cross a chicken with a bell?

A: An alarm cluck.

If you don’t understand some of these, ask your American neighbor or co-worker to explain them.

Beetle Bailey: American Military Humor

On camera:

In honor of Veteran’s Day, our What’s So Funny segment takes a look at humor derived from our military history.  As a people, we Americans don’t like hierarchy—some people on top and some on the bottom.  This is why we separated from England and don’t have kings and queens. 

However, hierarchy—based on wealth and status—still exists.  In order to minimize these differences, part of our cultural history involves making fun of the rich, the powerful, and the non-working class. 

One place where this is difficult to do is in the military, where strict hierarchy is everywhere.  This is perhaps why cartoonist Mort Walker chose to make fun of military officers, starting back in 1950.

Walker’s long-running cartoon is called Beetle Bailey.  If you think you know why today’s cartoon is funny to Americans, share that with our readers in the comment section.

What’s So Funny:

The enlisted soldiers have told Lt. Fuzz that the camp’s general would be giving him a promotion.  He excitedly shares this “news” with Gen. Halftrack’s secretary, Miss Buxley.  She tells him that the soldier’s are pulling his leg.  To “pull his leg” means to kid him, to tell him something that is not really true.  This cartoon is funny to Americans who like to poke fun at people who are higher than they are in the hierarchy.  Lt. Fuzz has been tricked by the enlisted men (lower than his position), and that fact has been reinforced by a secretary (who has no direct status in the military hierarchy).

Military Hierarchy

The rank of U.S. military officers (in descending order) is as follows.

• General      (abbreviated as Gen.)
• Colonel      (Col., pronounced the same as “kernel”)
• Major      (Maj.)
• Captain      (Capt.)
• Lieutenant      (Lt.)

The rank of enlisted military personnel (which is below the officers) is as follows.

• Sergeant      (Sgt., with the first syllable rhyming with “large”)
• Corporal      (Cpl.)
• Private      (Pvt.)

Here, Sgt. Snorkel (nickname: Sarge) yells at Pvt. Bailey and a fellow soldier.  The colorful symbols in the speech bubble signify strong language.

Knock-Knock Jokes

On-camera:

You’re inside your house, or you’re inside an office, and suddenly, someone knocks.  [knock, knock]  You don’t know who it could be, so you ask, … “Who’s there?”

This is the way we start a classic American joke, called the knock-knock joke.

The knock-knock joke requires participation on the part of the listener.  The joke-teller starts by saying, “Knock, knock.”  During the joke, the listener has to respond twice.  You can ask any American you know, “Knock, knock,” and he or she will play along with you because they’ve been doing this since their childhood.

To demonstrate, I’m going to ask one of our camera crew to help me with a joke.  [Chris], thanks for helping me.  Everyone, this is [Chris].  So, here we go.

Alan: Knock, knock.

Chris: Who’s there?

Alan: Boo.

Chris: Boo who?

Alan: Why are you crying?

Now, if you didn’t understand the joke, there will be an explanation on our website as well as some of my favorite knock-knock jokes for you to try on your friends.

The structure of a knock-knock joke

The knock-knock joke has five parts, as you can see above: 1. the joker, 2. the recipient, 3. the joker, 4. the recipient, 5. the joker.  Line 1. is the invitation to participate in the joke, and line 5. is the punchline.

The logic of a knock-knock joke

If someone knocks (or telephones), you can answer by asking who it is.  If the caller only gives a first name, that might not be enough information for you to know the person, so you ask “[name] who?”  In a knock-knock joke, the answer is a surprising twist on what the listener thinks of the name or word given.

What’s So Funny?

In the joke above, the listener expects the meaning to be something scary because “boo” is what ghosts say to frighten you suddenly.  The word “who?” in the response also sounds like “hoo”—which is the way English speakers represent crying: boo-hoo.  When I give the punchline, Chris turns away and says the joke is terrible.  This is an appropriate cultural response, signaling that the listener thought the joke was a little bit funny, but also a little bit corny.  “Corny” means silly or unsophisticated.  Other appropriate responses to corny jokes would be rolling the eyes or groaning (as if in pain).

Knock-knock jokes are popular with children.  Jokes are great tools to teach children the social and cultural ritual of joke-telling.  They also teach children that some words can sound alike but have different meanings.

Some examples knock-knock jokes

Knock, Knock,

Who's there?

Ada.  (pronounced /eida/)

Ada who?

Ada burger for lunch.  (I ate a burger for lunch.)

*****

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Alaska.

Alaska who?

Alaska to see if she knows the answer.  (I’ll ask her to see….)

*****

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Canoe.  (pronounced /ka’nu/)

Canoe who?

Canoe help me with my homework?  (Can you help me…?)

*****

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Banana.  

Banana who?

[Joker doesn't give the punchline but instead starts the joke again:]

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Banana.  

Banana who?

[Joker repeats this until the listener starts to get annoyed that the joke keeps repeating without end.  Then, the joker tells the final version like this:]

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Orange.  

Orange who?

Orange you glad I didn’t say “banana” again?  (Aren’t you glad I didn’t say…?)

*****

Here is a website with many clever knock-knock jokes: http://www.funology.com/knock-knock-jokes/.  If you don’t understand some of them, ask your American friends or co-workers to explain them to you.

A ___ walks into a bar.

On-Camera Joke  

A grasshopper walks into a bar and hops up on a barstool.  

The bartender looks up and says, “Hey, did you know we have a drink named after you?”  

“What?” says the grasshopper.  “You have a drink named Fred?”

Background

Bars, taverns, and pubs have long been places where people go to meet friends, socialize over alcoholic drinks, and forget about their troubles.  If you stay there long enough, you will see all kinds of people walk in.  This makes the bar a perfect setting for strange encounters and funny stories.  Below are some of my favorites, along with explanations.

What’s So Funny?  

The bartender was referring to a minty-sweet, green alcoholic drink (crème de menthe and white crème de cacao) called a “grasshopper.”

More Bar Jokes

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon and says, “I’m looking for the man that shot my paw.”

Explanation: A common theme in cowboy movies is revenge hunting: looking for justice after one’s relative was killed.  In Western and Southern U.S. dialects, the word for father is Pa (or Paw).  A three-legged dog is obviously missing one leg; the word for a dog’s foot is “paw.”



A regular walks into a bar, sits down, and pulls out a piece of asphalt.  He says to the bartender, "I'll have the usual and one for the road."

Explanation: Someone who regularly drinks at the same bar is called a “regular.”  Because he comes so often, all the employees know his “usual” drink.  Someone orders a drink “for the road” to signal this will be the last drink before traveling home.



A guy walks into a bar and sits down on a stool.  While he's waiting for the bartender, he hears a little voice saying, "Hey, you look really good today; is that a new suit?" 

He looks around but doesn’t see anybody nearby.  Then, the little voice says, "You look really great.  Are you a model?" 

At this point, the bartender comes up and takes the guy’s order.  While his drink is being made, the guy hears the voice again, "I really like your haircut!" and then realizes the voice is coming from the dish of bar nuts nearby. 

When the bartender returns with the drink, the guy asks him, "What's the deal with these nuts?" 

The bartender responds, "Oh, the nuts are complimentary."

Explanation:  “Complimentary” has two meanings: 1) free for the guests to enjoy, 2) giving compliments (saying nice things about you).



A termite walks into a bar and says, “Where’s the bar tender?”

Explanation:  Termites are insects that like to eat wood.  The softest part of the bar is the most tender.  (Note: there is a difference in pronunciation here.  The person who serves drinks is a bartender.  The termite asks, “Where is the bar tender?”)



A man walks into a bar with a salamander on his shoulder.  He says “Gimme a vodka and lime…and a cola for my pet, Tiny. 

The bartender asks, "Why do you call him Tiny?"  

The man replies, "Because he’s my newt.” 

Explanation:  Newts and salamanders are small lizard-like animals.  Another word for “small” is “minute” (pronounced like my-newt).  Pronunciation note: When you say “give me” in fast, conversational English, it sounds like “gimme.”



A Christian, a Muslim, and a Jew walked into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

Explanation:  This is a meta-joke, that is, a joke about a joke.  One type of joke has three people from different religious or ethnic backgrounds and then makes fun of their stereotypes.  In this case, the listener thinks he or she will hear a joke about religious stereotypes but then is surprised when the bartender makes a comment about this type of joke instead of actually continuing the joke.  Additionally, the expression, “Is this some kind of joke?” means “Are you teasing me?”



A horse walks into a bar.  The bartender looks up and says, “Hey, why the long face?”

Explanation:  The expression “long face” means “sad look,” which is a frequent situation for many who go to the bar to drink and forget their troubles.  In this case, the bartender asks this question to a horse, whose face is naturally long.



Three men are walking down the street.  One of them walks into a bar.  The other two duck and go around it.

Explanation:  Another meaning for the word “bar” is a metal rod.  If you are walking down the street without paying attention to where you are going, you might walk into something and hurt yourself.



A skeleton walks into a bar and says, “I'd like a beer and a mop.”

Explanation:  Since a skeleton is all bones, the beer will go in his mouth and run down all over the floor.



A man walks into a bar with a dog.  The bartender says, “Hey, no dogs in here!  Go on, get out!”

The man tells the bartender that his dog is special and can talk.  The bartender doesn’t believe him, so the man says, “If I can prove it, can we stay and drink?”

The bartender agrees, so the owner says, “Dog, what's on the top of the house?"

The dog barks, “Roof!" 

“That’s not talking,” says the bartender.  “Get out of here!”

"Wait!” says the dog owner.  “Dog, what does sandpaper feel like?” 

"Rough!" barks the dog. 

All right, I’ve heard enough!  Get out of here!” shouts the bartender.

“No, no, he really talks,” says the dog owner.  “Quick, dog, who is the best baseball player of all time?” 

"Ruth!” barks the dog.

The bartender grabs the dog and his owner and throws them out onto the street.

"Get out of here and don't come back," says the bartender.

The man and the dog are sitting on the curb. 

The dog looks at the owner and says, "Maybe I should have said Joe di Maggio.”

Explanation:  The words “roof, rough, and Ruth” all sound like a dog’s bark, so the bartender doesn’t believe the dog can really talk.  Two famous New York baseball players are Babe Ruth and Joe di Maggio.



Why You Need to Know This

The next time you are in a group of Americans and one of them says, “A __ walks into a bar,” get ready for a joke.  If you don’t get the joke, ask a friend privately afterwards.

Have you heard a joke where someone (or something) walks into a bar?  What is your favorite one?

Who's on First?

Background: “Who’s on First?” is a famous 1940s routine by comedic duo Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.  Abbott played the serious partner or “straight man” in the act; Costello was the comic or “funny man” of the pair.  For more on this type of comic entertainment (or “double act”), click here.

What you need to know (about the act): In one 6-minute version of this act, Abbott plays a baseball player (Mr. Broadhurst), and Costello plays a fool named Sebastian Dimwitty.  (The word “dimwit” is slang for a stupid person, someone whose wit is not very bright.)  He interrupts Abbott to ask some questions about the St. Louis baseball team.  He wants to know all their names for when he visits the baseball park.

What you need to know: The basic rules of baseball.  Baseball is only played in a dozen countries in the world, so many U.S. immigrants are rightfully confused by this game with many rules.

Offense: One player at a time holds a bat and tries to hit a pitched ball thrown by the defense; he is called the hitter or batter.  If the ball is successfully batted within the “fair” territories of the field, the runner tries to touch as many of the bases in order (first-second-third-home) as he can.  If he successfully comes around to touch the 4th base (called “home plate”), his team is awarded one point.

Defense: Nine players are positioned around the playing field to try to catch the batted ball.

Main players: The pitcher throws the ball toward the catcher in a way that will try to fool the batter.  Both the pitcher and catcher are stationed on the smaller part of the field called the infield.

Other infielders: The first baseman guards the area near first base.  The second baseman guards the right side of second base.  The shortstop guards the left side of second base.  The third baseman guards third base.

Outfielders: The larger part of the field has three speedy players guarding the part of the field away from the bases and the pitching/catching action.  The rightfielder guards the area behind the first and second basemen.  The centerfielder guards the area behind second base.  The leftfielder guards the area behind the shortstop and third basemen.

A baseball field.

What’s So Funny?  This sketch is funny because Costello is innocently asking for the players’ names, and Abbott gives him names that sound like question and answer words.  Costello gets increasingly confused—as does the audience, which makes it funny to watch.

batter (left) in white uniform, umpire in black, catcher (crouching) in blue, pitcher (upper right) in blue.

Help with the names:

1st baseman: Who

2nd baseman: What

3rd baseman: I don’t know

shortstop: I don’t care

pitcher: Tomorrow

catcher: Today

rightfielder: (unnamed)

centerfielder: Because

leftfielder: Why

Why you need to know this: First of all, “Who’s on First?” is an important piece of American cultural history (and still very funny after 70 years).  Second, you will hear this expression at work or out in the community.  This expression can be used whenever the topic of conversation becomes confusing for one or all of the participants.  Here’s an example.

Boss: “So, we’ll send Barbara and Tom to Toronto to meet the clients on Tuesday.  Bob and Fred will join them after they’ve presented at Monday’s conference with Susan.  I’ll drive over from Detroit with Roberta and Amy to support you in the negotiations.  If Stewart is available on Wednesday,….”

Team Member: “Wait, wait, I lost you!  Who’s on first?”

Cultural Note: At the beginning of the sketch, Bud Abbott is singing the words to the 1908 baseball song, “Take Me Out to the Ball Game.”  Almost every American knows this song.  The lyrics are here.

baseball photos: Fotolia.com

Children's Jokes, Riddles, and Plays On Words

On-Camera Joke

What is black and white and re(a)d all over?

Give up?

A newspaper!

Explanation

If this joke makes no sense to you, you are on the same level as many American children who are learning English as their first language.  One purpose of humor is to teach our children that words have more than one meaning.

In the case of this classic American joke, the word “red/read” has more than one meaning.  If it’s spelled one way, it’s a color.  If it’s spelled another way, it’s a verb.

If you appreciate the double meanings of words, then you are probably a good joke teller—in English or in your native language.

red

read

Here are some more riddles with double meanings for the kids in your life.

Question: What has one head, one foot, but no legs?

Answer: A bed.

Question: What is an insect's favorite sport?

Answer: Cricket.

Question: Why can't a leopard hide from anyone?

Answer: Because it's always spotted.

Question: Why do lions not like to eat clowns?

Answer: Because they taste funny.

Question: What's worse than raining cats and dogs?

Answer: Hailing taxis.

If you—and your children—like these riddles, click here to read more.

Light Bulb Jokes

How many Xs does it take to change a light bulb?

The joke on camera: 

Is this light bulb burned out?  How can you tell?  Usually if it rattles, the filament inside is broken and you need a new one.

Do you know how to change a light bulb?  First, you have to unscrew the burned-out bulb.  [Mnemonic for unscrewing: Lefty-loosey, for screwing in: righty-tighty.]  Then, screw in the new bulb.

Did you know Americans have jokes about light bulbs?  They always start out in the form of a riddle—or question:

• How many Michigan State Spartans does it take to change a light bulb?
• How many rich people does it take to change a light bulb?

They always play on stereotypes, so be prepared to laugh at the groups you don’t like and frown if the joke includes some of your favorite people.

Let me tell you the classic light bulb joke.  I’ll substitute the word “fools” for the group you’re telling the joke on.  Here goes.

How many FOOLS does it take to change a light bulb?

Don’t know?

It takes four.  (You may wonder why four.)

It takes one to hold the light bulb, and three to turn the ladder.

If you don’t get this joke, you can go to our website for an explanation.  Also, ask your American friends what light bulb jokes they know.  And be prepared to ask them to explain when you don’t get it.

More light bulb jokes to share with your friends

Q: How many Ohio State (University) students does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Just one.  But he gets four credits for it.

(Note: People who don’t attend Ohio State University like to stereotype OSU students as not very smart.  This is emphasized in that light bulb-changing will give them university credit toward graduation—because the University is very easy.)

*****

Q: How many yuppies does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two.  One to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician.

(Note: Yuppies [Young Urban Professionals] are stereotyped as wealthy, self-centered, and lazy.  They would rather pay an electrician to change their light bulb than do it themselves.  And they will need some fancy cocktails to sip while watching the electrician work in front of them.)

*****

Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Just one.  But the light bulb must really want to change.

(Note: Psychology patients are often told that the doctor is not the one who brings human growth and change; only the patient can do that for him/herself.)

*****

Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None.  Changing bulbs is a hardware problem.

*****

Q: How many “real men” does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None.  Real men aren’t afraid of the dark.

(Note: The expression “real men” also can refer to macho men or manly men.)

Please share your favorite light bulb jokes with us here in the comments section.

photo source: fotolia.com

Ethnic Jokes

On-camera joke 

Ole sees Sven walking down the road with fishing pole over one shoulder and a creel strapped over the over.  “Hey, there, Sven, whatcha been doing?”

“Well, Ole, you dumb Norwegian, whatcha think I been doing?  I’ve been fishing.”

“Okay, Sven.  So how many fish you got in the creel there?”

“I tell you what, Ole, if you can tell me how many fish I got in the creel, I’ll give you both of  them.”

So Ole, he guessed “three.”

And Sven said, “That’s not bad.  You only missed by two.”

Background

Ethnic jokes are told around the world.  They are rooted in the human need to mock other groups, usually to lift up one’s own ethnic group.  They make fun of stereotypes about another group’s cheapness, laziness, or other negative trait.  In my youth, I listened to stories that Pollocks (derogatory term for Poles) were stupid and dagos (negative term for Italians) were loud and bossy.

Beyond ethnicity, jokes are told about other groups, usually by dominant groups against less-powerful groups.  For example, men will tell jokes about women, making fun of old stereotypes: bad driving skills, too much shopping, or nagging their husbands (or sons-in-law).  The typical male joke about female stupidity is the “dumb blonde” joke, with the assumption that women who are blonde (or dye their hair blonde) cannot be intelligent.

When I lived in southeastern Germany, I noticed that people told “Bayer” jokes, making fun of people from the state of Bavaria.  I learned that northern Germans told jokes about East Frisians, the people who live on the islands off the north coast of Germany.  Are East Frisians or blondes or mothers-in-law any more stupid (or lazy or nagging) than the rest of us?  No.  But they look different, talk “funny,” or are somehow not the same as we are, so as humans we feel we need to make fun of them.

In order to not be considered ethnocentric, I only tell jokes about my own personal memberships: male (gender), Christian (religion), heterosexual (orientation), white (race), or Swedish (ethnicity).  My grandfather, an immigrant from Sweden who never lost his strong Swedish accent when speaking English, used to tell Ole and Lena jokes.  I told the Ole and Sven joke for FLYB TV in honor of him. 

What you need to know:  This joke is a ripple joke, where one line plays into the next and then into the next, giving multiple punch lines for listeners to laugh at.  In this case, the joke makes fun of people from both Sweden and Norway, northern European countries that have been at war off and on over history (even though their languages and cultures are very similar).

Pronunciation: Telling an ethnic joke can involve using accents if the joke teller is confident in mimicking dialects.  This makes the characters sound more “authentic” to the audience and adds another layer of “flavoring” to the joke.  All speakers, in both our first and second languages have an accent.  This makes life more interesting when we travel, and it helps us identify when other speakers are not from our region.  I tell this joke affectionately in memory of my Grandpa Headbloom, not to make fun of Swedes in general or my dear cousins in particular. 

Vocabulary: A person from Norway is called a Norwegian.  A person from Sweden is called a Swede.  A creel is a kind of basket with a shoulder strap; it’s used for carrying freshly caught fish from the lake or river.

Creel photo: Wikipedia

History: Ole and Lena are a husband and wife who emigrated from Scandinavia (usually Sweden or Norway).  They represent the immigrant experience in the U.S. upper Midwest, especially Wisconsin, Minnesota, Iowa, and the Dakotas.  The jokes make fun of everyday life situations (work, marriage, etc.) and are often told with a Scandinavian accent.  Read more here. 

Lena and Ole

 What’s so funny?  This ripple joke pokes fun at both Ole and Sven’s stupidity.  First, Ole doesn’t know what Sven’s been doing, even though he’s clearly carrying fishing equipment.  Then, Sven tells “stupid” Ole he can have both fish if Ole can guess the number.  Of course, “both” means “two,” making the guess very easy.  Ole surprises us by guessing wrong (three).  Sven then surprises us by giving the wrong mathematical answer (should have been “one”).  The joke is best told with short pauses for comprehension (and laughter) between the last three lines.

Here is a website with many more jokes about the famous Minnesota couple, Ole and Lena, and their friend, Sven.  The beauty of Ole/Lena jokes is that you can usually substitute other people (your cousin or your neighbor) or other locations into the story.  

Here are some Ole/Lena jokes on the air for your listening practice.  You can read more Ole/Lena jokes here. 

Some of my favorite ones:

Ole and Lena were at the kitchen table for the usual morning cup of coffee and listening to a weather report coming from the radio.

"There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. All vehicles should be parked on the odd-numbered side of the streets today to facilitate snowplows," the radio voice declared.

"Oh, gosh, OK," said Ole, who got up, bundled up, and headed outside to dutifully put his car on the odd-numbered side of the street.

Three days later, Ole and Lena were at morning coffee when the radio voice said, "There will be 4 to 6 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your vehicles on the even-numbered side of the streets."

Ole got up from his coffee as before. He bundled up, shuffled off, and put his car on the even-numbered side of the street.

A few days later, the couple was at the table when the radio voice declared, "There will be 5 to 7 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the...." 

Just then, the power went out.

"Park it where?" Ole asked in the dark, "What should I do?"

"Aw, to heck with them, Ole," Lena said. "Don't worry about it today. Just leave the car in the garage."

***** 

Ole was on his way home from town and called Lena from his cellphone. 

"Lena, put supper on, I'm on my way home." 

Lena says, "Be careful out there. The radio reports some nut is driving the wrong way on the freeway." 

"It's worse than that, Lena; I’m seeing hundreds of them!" 

***** 

Ole walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. 

The boss says, "What happened to your ears?" 

Ole says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and [holds iron to ear] tssshhh! I accidentally answered the iron." 

The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?" 

Ole says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!" 

***** 

One night, Ole and Lena were fast asleep when all of a sudden the phone rings. Ole wakens and goes to answer it. 

"How the heck should I know? That's a thousand miles away!" he barks into the phone and then slams down the receiver. 

"Who was that?" asks Lena. 

"I have no idea," answers Ole. "Somebody wanted to know if the coast is clear." 

***** 

Ole's neighbor Sven had a boy, Sven Junior, who came home one day and asked, "Papa, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is that because I'm Norwegian?" 

"No," said Sven, "It's because you're NINETEEN." 

***** 

Ole and Sven grabbed their poles and headed out to do some ice fishing. As they were boring a hole in the ice, they heard a loud voice from above say, "There are no fish under the ice here." 

Ole and Sven moved about 25 feet over and started to make another hole. The voice said a little stronger, "There are no fish under the ice here." 

They both looked around and then looked up. Ole said in a humble voice, "Are you God?" 

The voice spoke back, "No, you idiots! I'm the ice rink attendant." 

***** 

Ole died, so Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.

Lena replied, "You just put 'Ole died.'"

The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died?' Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If it’s money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more."

So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put 'Ole died. Boat for sale.'"

***** 

Sven and Ole went hunting for deer one day. They stopped to ask the farmer permission to hunt on his land. The farmer agreed to let the two hunt, but warned them that the farm very large and it was easy to become lost. He told them that if they got lost to fire three shots into the air and he would come get them. Indeed, after a half hour the two found themselves totally lost. 

Sven said, "Ole, I believe we be lost, you better fire three shots into de air." 

"Ya, I think you're right, Sven," said Ole. "We better get that farmer going." So Ole fires three shots into the air, but a half hour passes and no farmer. 

Sven says, "Ole, I think you better fire three more shots into the air, the farmer has not come yet." 

"I can't," said Ole, "I run out of arrows." 

***** 

Ole and Sven went on an expensive fishing trip and returned with only one fish. "The way I figure it, that fish cost us $400," said Sven. 

"well," replied Ole, "At that price it's a good thing we didn't catch any more."

Ole goes in for a check-up, and his doctor asks, “Ole, how are things in the bedroom?”

Ole shakes his head and says they’re not going so well.

The doctor says, "Ole, all you need is some exercise. I want you to walk ten miles every day. You give me a call in a week, and let me know how you're doing." 

So, a week later the phone rings, and the doctor answers it. A voice on the other end says, "Doc, this is Ole." 

The doctor says, "Hello Ole. Have you been walking ten miles every day?" 

Ole says, "Yes." 

The doctor asks, "And has your sex life improved?" 

Ole replies, "Well, how the heck should I know? I'm seventy miles from home!"

***** 

Sven gets a new car and Ole comes over from next door to admire it.

“Hey, Sven,” Ole says, Whatcha doing with your new car.

Sven says, “I’m checking it out to make sure everything works.  Can you help me out?  I need you to go in front of my car and tell me if the headlights work.”

Ole goes in front, Sven turns them on, and Ole says, “They work!”

“Now, Sven, go in the back and check out the brake lights.”

Ole goes in the back, Sven steps on the brake, and Ole says, “They work!”

Sven says, “One last thing.  I want you to go back in the front to check out the emergency flashers.”

Ole goes back in the front, Sven turns on the flashers, and Ole says, “They work…they don’t work…they work…they don’t work….”